How to Avoid STDs, Trannies and Rabies Abroad
If you have seen To Wang Foo (where Patrick Swayze, John Luguizamo and Wesley Snipes are traveling trannies) , Old Yeller (dog gets rabies, kid has to kill it) and Outbreak (scary monkey with diseases, infects everyone, damn monkey) then you know what we’re talking about. Depending on your destination, the availability of great medical facilities and personnel (to include counseling should you wake up next to a tranny) may be sparse. Therefore, here are a few common mistakes and solutions to help prepare you for your journey.
Food, Water and the Basics
Just because you won your town’s “Boiled Egg Eating Contest”, does not mean your stomach is made of iron. The most common ailments for travelers are an upset stomach and diarrhea, which are almost always attributed to eating local food. Your body needs time to adjust to the cooking methods and ingredients of other cultures. But if you went ahead and ate that freshly slaughtered lamb pilau and subsequently spent more than two hours running to the bathroom, the best remedy is Cipro (also known as Cirpofloxacin). Used to treat most bacterial infections, stocking up on this drug before you leave is a smart idea for treating a number of ailments. Before you travel, go to any travel clinic in your area and they’ll hook you up.
For backpackers staying in camp sites, access to clean water can be tricky. In some countries in Southeast Asia, Africa and South America boiling water is not enough. Pick up a few water purification tablets at any outdoor store. They come in various sizes to treat small water bottles and larger water storing devices. Having a typhoid and dysentery vaccine before you leave can also reduce your chance of becoming gravely ill.
Wild Animals, Rabies, and Bugs
Think twice before approaching any wild animals, especially in India where monkeys regularly masturbate and sexually harass those walking by. Rabid dogs are also a common feature in East Africa and travel clinic doctors will recommend you for the rabies vaccine. However, the vaccine is administered five times over 28 days and can cost up to $600. The common sense approach would be to avoid any strays and if you are bit, wash the wound completely and get to a hospital ASAP.
Lastly, bugs in the southern hemisphere are an unavoidable nuisance. Mosquitos are probably the most obnoxious and can be deadly if you are not prepared. Malaria is no joke and should the wrong mosquito bite you, the parasites remain in your body forever. Fortunately, modern medicine has developed two very effective types of Malaria pills that lower your chances of infection: Malarone (taken daily) and Lariam (taken twice a week). While the necessity for malaria pills is arguable, for shorter trips go ahead and take them. Most countries with high Malaria infection rates sell the pills at an exponentially lower rate than you will find at the travel clinic. Purchasing a week’s worth before you leave and then buying the rest in the destination country will save you serious cash. A no-brainer way to further prevent bites is to simply carry mosquito-repellent and avoid damp areas.
Trannies, STDs and General Regret
Now for the nitty-gritty down and dirty. Thailand, a favorite destination for the young and broke, is also the world’s top spot for sex change operations. So gents, be wary of that cute Thai girl whose biceps rival yours. If she is sporting a six-pack, has amazing calves and is wearing denim cut-offs, chances are you’re in for a surprise. Be extra thorough with your once-overs at Bangkok bars. Thai trannies have the extra-advantage of being naturally petite, hairless and not particularly well-endowed.
No matter who you do, wrap it up. Some of you may have grown up in the Bible Belt and so your sex-ed may have been an abstinence only approach. For the rest who suffered through enlarged images of deformed gord-like dotted penises and swollen vaginas, you know the deal. All jokes aside, on average 18-30% of tourists (to include males and females) report having unprotected sex abroad with locals. Outside of Amsterdam, illegal prostitution and poor public health services (especially for women) means statistically, the hottie on the dance floor could also be fatal. And let’s not forget, oral sex is still sex. Going down on a guy or gal with the illusive gonorrhea is not the souvenir gift your naive boyfriend is expecting. Pick up a few dental dams and flavored condoms for those spontaneous moments.
The world presents as much spoils as it does adventures. Keeping your eyes and ears open, washing your hands regularly, avoiding strange animals and equally as strange people, is your best bet for having an amazing trip. Travel clinics are key, and while you do not necessarily need everything they prescribe, taking the time to become familiar with symptoms of common travel ailments can be the key to a speedy recovery. As they say: what happens on vay-kay stays on vay-kay. Except herpes, malaria and a one-night stand with a tranny; that shit will haunt you forever.
Written By: Sandra Nurse
Head Writer/Editor-in-Chief of Off Track Planet. Pescatarians are not just cheating vegetarians; we're our own breed and the extra protein makes us more feisty! Rawr
Tweet This
Share on Facebook
Digg This
Save to delicious
Stumble it
RSS Feed
Comments