A Frenchman’s Guide to Paris for White Trash Americans
Our friend Dimitri is French; very, very French. When we began creating articles for OTP, we asked him to write a little something about Paris. What came out were French-lish phrases and hard to read grammatical abortions. We thought of editing it into something more readable but realized it would greatly compromise the essence of the article (and of Dimitri). So here in all his French glory is Dimtiri’s “Guide to Paris for White Trash Americans”…
How to fancy a Parisian Female
Parisian girls are not like other French girls…They reach the supreme level of arrogance you can find in France -
Let’s say you’re an average American guy. You enter a bar, and you see all those cute sophisticated hip girls. You just spotted a horny blue-eyed brunette (my favorite). First thing: buy the girl a drink, perfectly aware that you don’t tip in bars in France. Then start talking, but not too fast if you want to have a chance she’ll get one word out of three of what you’re saying if
(a) they don’t speak English very well or
(b) have short attention spans.
My advice: invent yourself an amazing life, in case yours is lame and boring. Young Parisians don’t make the most of their city because they think they’re entitled to it. So you can start developing on how everything you’ve been through since you were thrown out of your mother’s belly is AMAAAZING! Try to make every experience look extraordinaire, even If you have to exaggerate a little bit. Or you can even make yourself up a work situation. Depending on the vibes you’re feeling with this girl, I’d suggest banker/biz type of guy or artist. – The rest belongs to the legend
Eat like the French
1. Try not to be a white trash for a few days and enjoy French sauces.
2. Bring your own ketchup and dip your food in it discretely when nobody’s paying attention. (If you get busted, you’re the biggest asshole ever).
3. Ask the waiter for ketchup making use of the few helpful following words:
- s’il vous plait: please
- merci beaucoup: thanks a lot
- excusez-moi: excuse me
Rehearse using the phonological dictionary if you plan on not getting the waiter display his/her scornful French attitude for not having understood what you said.
Art & Culture
They are plenty of museums of Paris, I mean plenty. Even you don’t have much time, you obviously have to go to the Louvre (www.louvre.fr), which is free on Friday nights at 6-10pm if you’re less than 26. Don’t show up with your usual flips-flops, baggies and torn apart T-shirts. Dress up a little bit and look passionate.
Must see in the Louvre:
- European paintings (French, Dutch, Italian)
- La Cour Marly (wonderful sculptures in a nice atrium)
- The Venus de Milo and the Winged Victory of Samothrace (famous Greek sculptures), among other classical sculptures.
And if you’re into contemporary art, don’t miss the Centre Pompidou (www.centrepompidou.fr) and the Palais de Tokyo (www.palaisdetokyo.com).
You can also walk around the artsy Marais neighborhood to find out nice art galleries.
The Final Frontier: Nightclubs
Dimitri has given us infallible advice about Parisian girls, restaurants and museums. We now know that lying about your status is an excellent way to pick up a Parisian girl, that our ketchup addiction must be checked at the door at Parisian restaurants and that wearing “baggies” and “flip flops” will not fly at the Louvre. Finally, Dimitri gives us a few last words about how to tap into the Parisian nightlife…
As a broke person like the backpacker you are, you might soon discover after a few days that going out in Paris is rather expensive. Getting into fancy nightclubs is pretty difficult too, but you have to give it a shot. Dress up-upper (suits are appropriate), get some girls, act like the wealthy motherfucker you;’re not and try to schmooze your way into the club. If unsuccessful, you can find many nice bars all over Paris, especially around boulevards Saint-Michel and Saint-Germain (still expensive) or in the Marais neighborhood (use google maps).
Last but not least: my best advice for the broke among the broke:
Go to a supermarket, buy some cheap like 3-4 euro apiece bottles of wine like white whatever or red Merlot, rose if you visit in the summer. Then find a way to get to the Seine (the river that flows through Paris) banks, and you’ll see that you’re not only one having had this idea. And then you can socialize with all these drunk Frenchies and apply meticulously what you learned in previous articles. Tell them you would love to see what a typical Parisian apartment is like and throw a party there. Have fun!
…and as a bonus, Dimitri says French people are allergic to English. Here’s how to remedy the allergy:
French people are one the least foreign-language friendly people you can find on this planet. So if you want to make friends and more with “Gaulois”, try to make it easy for them. Approach them with a smile, speak slowly, ar-ti-cu-late! Be ready to repeat your words indefinitely and don’t get pissed off. Use appropriately the few French words you just learnt in one of the previous sections.
And use simple vocabulary.
If everything goes as planned and you feel that the person you were talking to actually got half of what you said, you can go further with plain white trash American.
Dimitri, be on the lookout for us Americans traveling in Paris. We will be the ones drinking cheap Merlot in the park and stashing ketchup in our backpacks. Au revior!
Written By: Dimitri
Co-Written By: Anna Starostinetskaya
Head Writer/Editor-in-Chief of Off Track Planet. Pescatarians are not just cheating vegetarians; we're our own breed and the extra protein makes us more feisty! Rawr
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LOVE IT DIMITRI !!!
Awesome! Keep going!
Haha! Thanks! Kirill is the Kirill I know? Please do the same about Moskow!
Aren’t “white trash” and “American” synonyms (LOL)
You’re repeating yourselves!!!!!