What the F*ck is Holi?!
Photo by: jeremy.nicoll
What the fuck is Holi!? Your lifestyle sure as hell isn’t, but luckily you don’t have to be morally or spiritually pure to partake in the Hindu spring festival of colors. OTP’s got what you need to get down and dirty, the Holi way.
Photo by: festivals.iloveindia
The main thrust of this 16-day extravaganza is the tossing of colored water on fellow devotees. What made a sacred religion give its followers the go-ahead to color each other blind? Waaaay back in the day, after he’d paid penance for some nasty sin, Hiranyakashipu (king of the demons) was given one wish from Brahma, Hindu god of creation. The demon king wanted to be indestructible, and in his arrogance attacked the Heavens and the Earth, demanding that people worship him instead of the gods. His own young son, Prahalada, refused to kiss daddy’s ass and remained devoted to Lord Vishnu. Hiranyakashipu was pissed, and went all Godfather trying to take his son out. He enlisted his fireproof demoness sister, Holika, to do his dirty work by sitting on a pyre with the boy in her lap. Lo and behold, the bitch burned to death while Prahalada escaped unscathed. Holi is to commemorate the victory of good over evil, when Holika fried. It’s celebrated on the last full moon in the final month of the lunar calendar, marking the end of winter and the onset of spring.
Photo by: a2zindianews
The rules for Holi are so simple it’s wicked. Gulaal is a colored powder traditionally made of medicinal herbs. Today it’s pretty much just chemically produced industrial dye, but the idea remains the same—use it to make fluorescently-bright colored water. Soaking orange blossoms overnight to tint the water yellow like in the old days doesn’t cut it anymore. Once you’ve liquidated the synthetic shit, load your pichkari (water gun) and open fire on everyone, we repeat, everyone, around you. The idea is to drench the mofos. The cleaner they look, the harder you hit. It’s do or “dye”—no one’s going to spare you. And you can leave that itty bitty plastic pistol at home; you’re going to need some heavy duty machinery and plenty of ammo.
Photo by: lautlos
Do yourself a favor: Before going out to play terminator, slick yourself down with the slimiest body oil you can get your hands on (we recommend coconut or mustard). Go ahead and get plenty in your hair, too. If you’re too grossed out to lube up, be prepared to walk around for the rest of the week looking like a hoard of poison dart frogs mistook you for the pisser. The oil actually makes it easier to wash off all the gunk once Rainbow Brite has stopped her killing spree. Walking around like your face was marker-penned in your sleep isn’t going to be your only concern—some people put more than water in their guns. In all likelihood you’ll also be stankin’ of beer, eggs and grease. Charming.
Holi is celebrated by Hindus all over the world, but India, Nepal and Sri Lanka play the hardest. Mathura and nearby Barsana are battle grounds reserved only for the brave. Barsana is the only town in India with a temple dedicated to Krishna’s lady-love Radha, but it’s infamous for lath mar holi (“stick beating holi”). Legend has it that Lord Krishna dropped in to you know, “hang out” with his beautiful Radha during the Holi festival. The women of Barsana didn’t appreciate Krishna’s shadiness and chased him out. Since then, men from Krishna’s village, Nandgaon, come prepared—shield and all—to play Holi at Radha’s temple. Holi gets hardcore as women literally beat the the crap out of dudes with sticks as frenzied masses look on. In Mathura, Holi is celebrated for seven days and on the sixth, people swap the pansy colored water for mud and cow shit.
Photo by: rudresh_calls
Just when you think the festival of pelting people couldn’t get better, it does—people get high. The traditional holi drink, thandai, is milk-based and commonly infused with almonds, white poppy, rose petals, cardamom, and saffron, and laced with bhang. Bhang (aka euphoria in a bottle) is made from dried Cannabis indica leaves that are crushed to make a fine powder, which is then brewed and filtered. Everything looks surreally bright and happy to bhanged out eyes, and the giggles instantly set in. Forget Western psychedelics; this is THE ultimate feel-good. Be warned: too much and things get slow mo quick.
People around the world have strange and interesting ways of reveling in the arrival of spring each year. Bosnians mark the first day of spring by celebrating Cimburijada, or the festival of scrambled eggs. For Spaniards, a noisy pyrotechnic week climaxes with the burning of huge papier mache figures in the Las Fallas Fiesta. The Kyrgyz make merry by taking part in the traditional Central American sport of Buzkashi, or goat dragging. Holi really brings in spring with a colorful, violent blast. At the very least, the marijuana milkshake will have you head bhanging for more.
Tweet This
Share on Facebook
Digg This
Save to delicious
Stumble it
RSS Feed
I can’t recommend Holi enough. Definitely a holiday that we in America should copy. I love that you had a section named “Don’t Play Sober.”
I wrote a post recently about my experiences celebrating Holi last year near Delhi: http://blog.tortugabackpacks.com/holi-the-festival-of-colors/
Good tip about the oil. I unknowingly arrived in Kathmandu for Holi in 2010 and decided to take an exploratory walk. I quickly realized my mistake … the clothes I wore are still stained with red and green paint.
Very fiesty festival & article…the colors & flavors of Holi bring in Spring – good fun times for all.. friendships are forged & enemity forgoten…me thinks a nice way to wipe clean one’s slate & start anew!I like the way the aricle is depicting the festival..very true blue!
I’ve been wanting to visit India for Holi ever since I learned about the festival several years ago. Awesome article – you made me want to experience it even more!
p.s. Bhang sounds insanely awesome, too.
Ok, I’m going next year!