OTP’s Guide to Partying Your Ass Off with a Hard Drive (in Brooklyn)
OTP got its man hands on an ioSafe Rugged Portable Hard Drive. Now this guy makes some tough claims, says he’s “made to withstand the most extreme environments”, can hang out 30 feet underwater for three days, feels no pain when dropped from up to 20 feet and can bear 5,000 pounds of crush. On Monday night, we decided to see if Hardy’s mad cocky shit talking had merit. See if this hard drive can hang with the big boys in OTP’s Guide to Partying Your Ass Off with a Hard Drive (in Brooklyn).
Starting at OTP headquarters, Hardy was loaded up with the best ass pic we could find. We also played a light game of basketball just to get the blood flowing then took him on the town to see if he could keep it together.
There are many great bars around New York City but Hardy needed to get schooled proper. As such, we took him to Canal Bar, a classy establishment named after the Gowanus Canal (aka one of America’s most polluted waterways, a cancer-causing cesspool filled with human remains and generally, a smelly shit swamp). Immediately upon entry, Hardy got a barstool to the head, a beer, a cheap vodka shot and a Peruvian cigarette. After being tongue-raped by the bar dog, covered in popcorn and hanging with some regulars, this hard drive was thoroughly trashed.
It would be unfair for Hardy to make it all the way to New York City and not have a bagel. This one here is sourdough, toasted. We also covered him in gasoline, just in case Hard Drives don’t have stomachs and require alternative fuel.
OTP Tip: Should you ever have the need to cover something in gasoline and then put it between a toasted bagel, consuming the bagel is highly discouraged. Even if it looks really delicious after a few shots.
This part mostly consisted of us kicking him down the sidewalk for five city blocks, a gentle across-the-street toss by a man from Milwaukee and a nightcap at Park Slope’s popular yuppie hang-out, Union Hall. While nothing extreme went down, Hardy looked pretty beaten at this point.
Ashamed of the state he was in, Hardy found refuge back at the Super 8. Several suicide attempts and focused bible study did nothing to make him feel shiny again.
Banged-up, covered in a combo of gas, bagel crumbs and cheap vodka (and well-versed in Matthew 21:22), Hardy found himself face down, spewing megabytes into the shitter at an alarming rate.
When all was said and done, we rolled up our sleeves, put on some gloves and shoved a USB into Hardy’s no-no places to check for a pulse. The ass picture was preserved in all its glory and while Hardy looks like he went through a trash compactor (next time), we must say, this HD is a champ. If he could party with us, we’re pretty sure he’ll withstand whatever torture you throw his way on your trip.
*Photo and HD ass beating credit: Gilad Goren.
Head Writer/Editor-in-Chief of Off Track Planet. Pescatarians are not just cheating vegetarians; we're our own breed and the extra protein makes us more feisty! Rawr
Tweet This
Share on Facebook
Digg This
Save to delicious
Stumble it
RSS Feed
That’s seriously impressive. If it can withstand that much torture it might even survive in my backpack