10 Ways Budget Airlines Rip You Off

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Companies like EasyJet, Ryanair, and Spirit Airlines will save you a some bucks ’cause they cut out the frills (if you consider half a can of Coke a frill), but are they really worth the extra cost in terms of hassle? Before you buy the next cheapo flight, be aware of the trade offs you’re making to save bones on airfare.

Even Survivorman packs a bag but unless you’ve got a TV-show salary, your budget won’t survive extra baggage fees. Checking bags can double the cost of your seat. If your hump stretches from neck to ass and expands out into turtle space behind you, it will cost you. Pack light to make sure your backpack is always a carry-on. Other ways to get around the fees: wear everything you own (with the risk of death by clothing strangulation) or rent a locker at the airport if you’re making a return trip to the same place.

Most major cities have a main airport and a bunch of shitty small ones. One way budget airlines keep costs down is by landing smack in the middle of nowhere. The cab fare it takes to get out of the boonies can shoot your transportation expenses way up (and there’s usually no scenic route from East Bumblefuck). Unless you have figured out a cheap way to get back to civilization (bus, train, or friend with a car), this can be a deal-breaker.

Smell that? The musty mash-up of sweat, stress and anal salutes you’ll inhale aboard tight planes is what your nostrils have feared since birth. Airplane air always sucks, but on a budget flight, everyone is packed in like sardines; sneezing, burping, farting sardines. These gross nose assaults won’t kill you and they probably won’t make you stronger. Chances are you’ll smell far from fresh to begin with so perhaps, the airfare money you save will be an added bonus to blending in amongst stinky friends.

You’ve been planning for months and you’re finally flying high. Now imagine the stress, anger and utter confusion when you debark at the wrong destination. In the event of a catastrophic fuck-up like this, you’d think the airline would cover its ass and get you where you’re going. Wrong. Budget airlines don’t HAVE to cover their ass—they’re not trying to attract customers by positive reviews.

If you ate your veggies as a kid and measure anywhere close to six feet, budget airlining will test your flexibility big time. You weren’t expecting a comfy ride from the get go—but unless you’re Wee Man, your knees will likely hate you. Most don’t have upgrade-able seats at all and it doesn’t even matter who wins in the most space deparment when you’re battling for nothing to begin with. If you can curl up to the thought of saving cash, then don’t let us cramp your style. Just don’t start begging for extra inches like a veteran hooker who hasn’t had her spot hit in years once you’re in the air.

Airlines used to pride themselves on service with a smile. That went out the window with the rising cost of fuel and increased competition. You’re shit out of luck on a budget flight if you’re ill or injured. You may have to stand even if you have a broken leg, and if you’re handicapped and need assistance, no sympathy is coming your way. Even old dudes with respiratory problems have to pay extra to carry on their oxygen tanks. Don’t expect the star treatment if you’ve got a splinter. Man up to fly cheap.

A pack of peanuts? That’s extra. Want a soda? That’s extra. A pillow to rest on? Yep, extra. Budget airliners are like shanty whorehouses; they know what you want and they know you’ll pay. No frills is no joke. Some flights even make you pay to piss with newly-installed coin-operated toilets. That’s some costly shit! Arrive at the airport with a full life battery and an empty bladder.

Everyone knows airline delays are inevitable. A few hours? No problem. Leaving a DAY later than scheduled? That sucks balls. Airports are cool for like 20 minutes, but people-watching spoiled brats (and parents who spend $6 for a slice of shitty pizza) gets old fast. It used to be that if you got stuck overnight, airlines put you up in the terminal accommodations. That doesn’t happen all the time with the big boys anymore either, but if you’re flying budget, don’t even think about it.

When shit hits the fan (and it will) budget airlines don’t want to hear it. Strict terms and policies prove this, and a staff of ice-veined, lifeless customer service reps enforce it. Some even have the nerve to charge you by the minute for your complaint call, so you’re simultaneously getting fucked twice. Either suck it up and take your frustrations out on your FB status or pay full price.

There’s no way around it—when you fly, you must check in. Some budget airlines have found a way to cash in by tacking on an “additional” check-in fee. If you wait to check in when you show up at the airport, you risk long lines and unannounced fees. A few airlines—like EasyJet—let you check in for free online. Others will continue to ream you with fees any way they can.

OTP Tip: Checking in online doesn’t mean you get to skip the lines. So get your ass there early. With budget flights, you’re more likely to get a BJ from the clerk than a seat on the next flight out.

The beauty and bitch of a budget airline is its simplicity. Clear-cut with no bells or whistles, this cheapo method of sky transportation can seem like a no-brainer but does have it’s downsides. The ride might be cramped and bumpy, you’re paying to take a shit, and your parents would hate it… but it gets the job done. Unless you’re Tom Hanks-ing it, upon landing, your flight troubles will be forgotten quickly and replaced with backpacking good times anyway.

 

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