OTP’s Guide to Smelly French Cheese
They’re sweaty, smelly and delicious. Beneath exteriors of ugly blue veins, sweaty orange skins and breathtaking body odor lies a magical world of sensual pleasures; this is the world of French fromage, or cheese. France is the proud home of most of the world’s cheese varieties (250 types). OTP has deciphered the madness and present you with our definitive guide to the best cheeses France has to offer – and how to enjoy them.
La Fromagerie
(Or, Where To Get your Cheese Fix On…)
Fromageries are like the cheese version of candy stores. Small, quaint and reeking of cow-generated edibles, these specialty cheese shops will let you sample every variety, describing precisely what you’re gagging on with a delicious French accent. “Cheese In Madness”, located in the heart of Paris, is famous for its vast selection and traditional French atmosphere. Further into the suburbs, cheesemaster Eric Lefèbvre ‘s shop presents a range gathered from all corners of the country that is nothing short of spectacular. These places are packed full of cheese fun, but, unless you have put aside a large cheese budget (nerd), they are not affordable.
French Cheese on a Budget
Fromages de Monoprix
Your deprived, Cheez-whiz-sodden palates need not suffer from intimidating Paris prices. Supermarket shopping is a backpacking staple that always offers gourmet alternatives and France is no exception. Your local Monoprix offers a wide variety of cheeses –fresh or packaged – for a fraction of the cost. Get this: You can buy a pound of Roquefort for just five Euros, when specialty shops charge double or triple
OTP TIP: When shopping in supermarkets, look for AOC certification on the packaging. This signifies the cheese was produced with milk derived only from that type’s intended origin. Basically, it’s like a pedigree certificate for cheese.
Types of French Cheeses in 8 Steps
From boutique to bodega, the range of cheeses in France is endless. For those weaned on Philadelphia spread, we’ve sorted the mess into eight essential categories.
1. Fresh Cheeses
Fresh Brousse
The least threatening of the bunch, these smooth selections are not aged, contain mostly water and are virtually fat-free. Mild in smell, as well as taste, fresh cheeses are used as spreads or eaten with a spoon like yogurt. Try smearing some fine Brousse cheese on a cracker while sipping café au lait. Breakfast just got French-ier.
2. Soft Cheeses with Natural Rind
Brie
Soft cheeses like Camembert and Brie are an integral part of the typical French post-meal dessert platter (even if yours consisted of hostel kitchen pasta). Made from cow’s milk and aged about a month, the natural rind left on these cheeses give it a moldy, slightly dodgy-looking appearance. Inside, they’re white, creamy and flavorful. Throw together a creative sandwich (pears/nuts/Camembert, turkey/cranberry/Brie), pack a picnic and munch your baguette in any of Paris’ scenic parks or gardens. Warning: This category is oozy. Bring napkin reinforcements.
3. Soft Cheeses with Washed Rind
This family gets OTP’s stinkiest cheese award, with Muenster taking full honors. The American Muenster variety is a dull, tasteless lump of lactose. The French version, known as Chaumes, holds nothing back as they craft it with raw milk. Although these cheeses are mold-free due to the washed rinds, they are aged longer to maintain the proper nose-blinding stench. Epoisses is another variety that will burn your nose hair into oblivion while your tastebuds enter paradise. Keep the crackers handy.
4. Pressed Cheeses
Congratulations! You’ve now made it past the cheese-connoisseur threshold and are ready for dairy delicacies that are slightly less off-putting. Pressed cheeses are a wine-and-cheese classic and include America’s favorite, Cheddar (although the French variety has a bit more bite). A nice pressed cheese (perhaps a Cantal) goes well with a glass of Pinot Noir – or 17.
5. Pressed and Cooked Cheeses
Pizza a la Paris
These cheeses are heated before being pressed, slated, and stored for several years of aging. This means the expired milk in your fridge is what? 2-3 years away from being delicious cheese. Classic varieties such as Comté, Beaufort and Emmental are spread on the thinnest, crispiest dough imaginable and melted together for a French pizzagasm that puts Italy to shame.
6. Goat Cheese
Hot Goat Cheese Served with Salad
While goat cheeses are found across all categories, they are our favorite and get their own damn category. The dynamics are simple: Naturally curdled goat milk, loaded with salt to preserve freshness, creating a tarty taste and velvety texture. It crumbles well, so throw it in a salad to fancy up your backpacker lunch.
7. Blue Cheeses
Blue Cheese
Like all great inventions, the stankiest cheese of all was discovered by accident. A Roquefort shepherd returned to his cave one day to notice a long-forgotten chunk of moldy cheese, which he proceeded to declare delicious (this man ate cheese off the floor and everyone praised him for it, take note). Nowadays, blue cheeses are still aged in caves before being injected with penicillin. Tastes and smells kind of like armpit junk. Bliss.
8. Processed cheeses
Boursin (Processed) Cheese with Herbs
No legendary tale, pungent odor or remarkable flavor exists in this category. We’re not talking about Kraft singles here, rather, cheeses of all varieties that are blended together and with herbs, spices, wines and other interesting additions. Fromagers get creative and we get to taste their cheesy experiments. Boursin, flavored with herbs or pepper, is a spreadable variety that travels well from fork (finger) to mouth.
Sure, many French cheeses are available in the US, but remember how you feel after a trans-Atlantic journey? The cheese doesn’t like it either. Get going and start tasting – just bring a sweet smelling barrier (perhaps a bag of gummy bears) for times when these cheeses unleash sudden air strike attacks on your nostrils.
A mind and body traveller who thrives on recollection and anticipation, all the while decorating the crossroads.
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Fantastic!
Love this article, Funny,imformative,in yourface ,Great Job OTP
Very accurate and mouth-watering article! I was starting to lick my computer’s screen for a moment!
A French fan