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OTP’s Guide to Partying Your Ass Off in Lisbon

sarahtg — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:18:41 +0000

Little baby Portugal once ruled half the world and while it is tiny land-wise, everything they do has a hint of grandiose. Much like the 1755 earthquake that gutted Lisbon, the party scene here will rip you to shreds. Ready yourself for a fermented fruit-drinking, meat-shoveling good time with OTP’s Guide to Partying Your Ass Off in Lisbon.

Priming the pump in Lisbon means an afternoon on a terrace with a giant pitcher of sangria. Almost any street café (esplanada) will have its own version, but guzzle the vinho verde sangria (green wine) for the true Portuguese experience. For a good food buffer, grab a charcuterie plate or some olives and jam at the Wine Bar do Castelo. It’s a little pricey but the portions will carry you ’til the after party. For a cheaper option, eat sardines like the locals Malmequer Bemmequer. Re-up on stamina with sugar fuel at a pastelaria. A few pasteis de nata, thick egg custard tarts that make tiny orgasms happen in your mouth, should put a good glossy coat on your insides. Gulp a bica (espresso) or a galão (latte) for a quick jolt and pop on your party panties.

Gametime

Start off civilized by downing a few glasses of Portugal’s national drink: port. At Solar Vinho do Porto, you can taste a a couple retro vintages that were aged before you were born. Drop the schnaz and hit Music Box to get dirty with the locals. If you like it loud and sweaty, stay here and check out the underground bands that usually come on around midnight. Turn the volume up and climb all over LuxFragil: the DJs thump the ground floor, some alternative gigs mellow out the second floor and the roof is easily accessible (should something suddenly come up).

OTP Tip: The entire Bairro Alto neighborhood, while a hike to get reach, is a party. The streets are flooded with cup-in-one-hand, cig-in-other, partiers and a wide variety of bars and clubs that can (and should) be hopped up there.

Bacalhau, or codfish, is practically Portugal’s mascot and with more ways of cooking it than positions in the Kama Sutra, you’re bound to wind up with some in your mouth before the night is over. One traditional cod dish is Bacalhau à Gomes de Sá, a casserole with salted cod, potatoes, eggs, olives, olive oil and onions. If you’d rather suck down some sausage, try the Cozido a Portuguesa, which is like a swingers club for meat parts. While every restaurant has its own version, most include pigs feet, pigs ears, bacon, ham, sausage and/or chorizo, ribs, beef and vegetables (generally potatoes, kale and turnips) and is usually served with beans and rice. This kind of food will take a machete to your drunk with no remorse.

If booze-swilling and bar-hopping hasn’t slowed you down, cozy back up with the Portuguese, who are just getting started around 3 am. Most clubs in the city are open until 5 or 6 in the morning, so there’s plenty of time for you to sweat off your liquor on the dance floor. At Gossip, you’ll find some of the best DJs in Lisbon spinning under pulsing strobe lights. If you like options, Kapital is Lisbon’s biggest club and has three floors, each playing a different genre of music and subsequently, attracting a diverse crowd. You can find politicians and ‘businessmen’ on the top floor in the VIP area.

There’s no shame in exhaustion from too much dancing, drinking and sausage-swallowing. Equity Point Hostel (a cool worldwide chain, with its newest location opening soon in New York) is a place to pass out in style that won’t bleed your dwindling Euros. Located in the heart of the city in a renovated late 17^th century palace, there are plenty of options for rooms depending on how many bunkmates you want or how much is left in your wallet. If you’re too drunk to fall asleep, there’s free Wi-Fi and a TV in the common room where you can curl up quietly on the couch and relax for a few hours before you nap in your bed for reals. Like a fancier version of your mother’s womb, Equity Point hooks you up with breakfast and a haven away from the noise, if you happen stumble in at dawn with the post-binge munchies and a raging headache.

The Hangover

Hangovers and morning sickness feel pretty much the same, so here’s hoping you have the former after a night out in Lisbon. To cure what ails you, try a francesinha, or the Portuguese version of a sandwich. Shoved between two pieces of bread you’ll find ham, two different kinds of sausage and steak or roast beef smothered in cheese and a hot tomato and beer sauce served with fries on the side. It’s the perfect way to keep the party in your belly hopping for a few more hours. If you need something milder (and with less animal flesh), caldo verdhe is a potato, onion and kale soup that’s the Portuguese cure-all. Vegetarians should note that some places do put sausage in the soup.

Lisbon is the perfect place to party your ass off. If your liver isn’t flopping on the ground in the morning like a freshly caught halibut, have another pitcher of sangria in the sunshine to start the party over.

OTP’s Guide to the Best Sex Shops in Paris

Kyle — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 13:15:42 +0000

Paris is a city where baguettes aren’t the only phallic objects you’ll find. TSA confiscation ruined your good times? Let OTP guide you to the finest sex shops in Paris to restock your toys and trinkets, so you can be saying “oui oui” all the way home.

If Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson were to marry, their wedding would look like Pigalle. During WWII, soldiers nicknamed the red light district “Pig Alley,” as many would rabidly visit for a taste of the good stuff after months of celibacy at the barracks. Today, the area is still a sty–where people flock like pigs to shit to buy sex toys. Pick your pleasure with an assortment of toys, peep shows, strip clubs and other x-rated attractions.

That’s the Spot

If you’re arriving at Charles de Gaulle Airport, take the RER train into the city directly to Gare du Nord. From there, you can walk to Pigalle. If you’re feeling lazy, change to the #2 metro (blue) at Gare du Nord and get off right in the heart of it all. As you walk up the stairs in the middle of Boulevard de Clichy, you’ll know you hit the right spot when it starts to smell like the Playboy mansion grotto after an all-night pool party. This den of sex is located directly below the Sacre Coeur Catholic Church, perfect for cleansing your Catholic guilt or, more importantly, since Sacre Coeur sits at the highest point in Paris, checking out the amazing views while testing out your recent purchases.

Start your sexploits by visiting the Musee d’Erotisme (erotic museum) at 72 Boulevard de Clichy (daily 10am–2am; €7). Floors one and two are penis paradise. Here you can also find various figurines engaging in figurine sex, including tiny depictions of priests and nuns doing the nasty. The remaining floors house temporary exhibitions. After soaking up the museum culture, head to Rebecca Rils just down the street at 76-78. This “Supermarche Erotique” is a mainstream sex supermarket and attracts tourists (like your parents, which would be really awkward). The massive store is divided into four sections: DVDs, lingerie, gadgets, and shoes. The Supermarche is great for basics like colorful furry handcuffs, masks, whips, nipple clamps and chocolate sauce. For raunchier varieties, visit Sexodrome at #23 on the same street. The ‘drome is an adults-only Toys-R-Us, with more than 2,500 square meters of sex toys and apparatuses, freak-nasty reading material and general filth.

With a sex shop or dungeon every five-feet, there’s something for everyone in Pigalle. If the vibrator in one store doesn’t hit the “G” spot, go next door. Prostitutes and sex-crazed streetwalkers are a dime a dozen here, especially on Boulevard Clichy. Unfortunately, when prostitution enters the equation, so can crime. You may want to save your Pigalle sex tour for a daytime activity and avoid the risk of a moonlit reach around.

Getting Steamy

Now that the extra space in your backpack has been re-stuffed with sexual knickknacks, it’s time to find a place to use them. If you don’t feel like testing your new gear in the common room of your hostel, try finding a sauna mixtes. Mom always said not to talk to strangers, but she never mentioned anything about not having sex with them in saunas in Paris! Check out the glory hole at L’Amphibi on Rue Hallé–this sauna has a bi-sexual vibe, and attracts females and transsexuals with discounts (€5, or free, depending on the day). At Alina Sauna, the “Private Gang Bang” means couples can go at it for free before 11pm on Wednesdays. Who doesn’t love a bargain?

Paris may be known as the city of love, but it’s got more than a few kinks down at the core. Let go of the sophistication front for a bit and let Pigalle stroke your libido in every which way. We promise you’ll feel like a pre-pubescent boy who got his first nipple flash.

10 Best Beer Festivals Around the World (besides Oktoberfest)

lisetteileen — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 14:58:13 +0000

Fine German ladies in lederhosen have been serving up frothy goodness between their bosoms for centuries, but Oktoberfest is no longer the only buzz-worthy international beer festival. OTP’s harvested ten hop-lovin’ festivals guaranteed to keep your veins shimmering with liquid gold.

This annual festival warms up an English January faster than a frat boy can tap a keg. Hosted by the Campaign for Real Ales (CAMRA), a Brit-based non-profit determined to steer people clear of mass-produced shitty beer, the National Winter Ales Festival features more than 200 brews. Find out which is the “Champion Beer of Britain” in an annual competition and channel your inner Charles Dickens at the Saturday night Victorian dress party. Entrance will cost you £2–4 at the door, depending on the day.

Everyone knows Aussies can drink; Canberra proves they get down with the good stuff. Happening every April, this festival features over 80 local craft brews, treats from local gourmet food stores and beer–food pairings that’ll make wine look like fermented grape juice you once used to wash down steak. You’ll have the opportunity to meet the good men and women behind your bubbly, and with plenty of live entertainment and giveaways, it’s a good time even if you’re too sloshed to ask questions. Presale tickets are $25 ($35 at the door) and $50 for a weekend day.

Hop a ferry to the island of Saaremaa for Estonia’s only beer festival, occurring annually in July. Over 100 Baltic state brewers will vie for your liver at the homebrew competition while your stomach catches local delicacies like smoked flounder. With an opening parade, tons of live music, beer parlor games to learn, and some of Estonia’s best DJs at night, there’s no chance of boozy boredom. For €3.50 you can pass out right on festival grounds if you have a tent, and indulge in a €8 breakfast to mop up last night’s party. Festival tickets range from €16 (one-day pass, presale) to €30 (two-day pass, presale), and are more expensive at the door.

Think Japanese beer culture stops with sushi faves Sapporo and Asahi? Think again. The every-traveler’s alternative to the hoity-toity Grand Biere Festival in Tokyo, this three-part brew-bash serves up more than 270 beers for attendees to sample from over 50 local and 30 international breweries. Several of these are rich craft brews that make Sapporo seem like slop. Founded in 1998, the festival now draws 20,000 booze-loving Japanese and foreigners to Japan’s main island of Honshu. Wet your whistle in Tokyo in June for 4,500–4,900¥, or Osaka in July and Yokohama in September for 4,200–4,600¥.

The self-proclaimed “largest gastronomic event in the Czech Republic” offers 70 brands of Czech beer for two weeks each May, all served in authentic glass pitchers. Over 200 of the Czech Republic’s finest thrown on traditional Czech costumes to serve it up and you’ll drink your fill in a large tent that can seat up to 10,000. Don’t expect a Euro coin to get a smile, though—the festival uses its own currency, the Tolar, which can be purchased with your festival reservation. Reservations will run you 12 Tolars (€22), plus a €2 reservation fee.

Hosting 50 Ontario-brewed beers and one sizzlin’ barbie, this festival, happens annually in July. With seven Canadian-loved “Ribbers” prepping everything from pulled pork sandwiches ($7) to full racks ($22), there’s plenty to wash down with any of the 4oz $1 samples from breweries like Flying Monkey’s and Big Rock. Sweat it out while you dance to live local acts. The only thing weighing you down will be your full wallet and good conscience—festival admission is free and any proceeds from booze and food go to The Food Bank of Waterloo Region.

Brewing heavy hitters like Leffe, Chimay and Delirium Tremors, any booze-hound can sniff out Belgium. This country puts on a world-class beer fest every September at the Grand Place in Brussels. Local Belgian brewers don’t mess around—the three-day festival opens with a “solemn inauguration of the beer stands,” and throughout the weekend features a display of historical beer carts and wagons and a brewer’s parade. With hundreds of pils, ambers, white beers, abbey beers, trappists, lambieks, fruit beers, strong pales, strong browns, red-browns and town brews to choose from, it’s easy to spend the minimum five crowncorks (€5) and overload your reusable mug.

A festival billed to honor the “nectar of the gods,” this two-week event is the largest beer festival in Asia. With a grand opening ceremony that makes the Beijing Olympics look like your brother’s tee-ball game, the festival features tastings from all over the world accompanied by plenty of both Chinese and Western munchies. Prove your foreign prowess at one of the many drinking competitions, and when you’re good and toasty make Simon Cowell cringe at a karaoke competition (CDs of your performance available for purchase if you dare). Admission varies from 2,380 RMB–280 RMB for the opening ceremony, and admission to Beer City will run you 10 RMB–20 RMB, depending on the time of day.

Kick it South African style every November with a festival to celebrate “all things beer.” With Table Mountain just behind the tents and the hot asses of rugby players broadcast on several screens inside, you’re guaranteed a good view to throw one back. The festival features over 20 breweries, more than 50 different brews and seven different styles to taste and buy, from the top honchos to the micro-guys and everything in between. Watch a brewing demo and competition, a braaing contest, a Springbok test screening, or enter to win a souvenir at one of the many raffles. Admission ranges from R60 (one-day) to R120 (three-days). If you’re feeling like royalty, get a King Package—complete with an individual draught tap, a keg, a branded mug and personal fraulein service—for R2,500.

If Oktoberfest is the mother of all beer festivals, these are her children. The Germans are notorious beer-lovers, and each city that participates in this festival throws in its own spin. In Leipzig, over 10,000 visitors flock to 90 brewery garden stalls, while in Düsseldorf the festival is held in a pedestrian mall, Benrath, where the oldest stock exchange in Germany had its roots. Boasting tons of obscure and difficult-to-find microbrews, alongside artisan and brewer booths in famous Biergarten style, fit at least one of these 12 into your budget and travel agenda.

Anyone who’s ever enjoyed great head knows there’s more to beer culture than getting smashed. An annual festival really gives you a feel for the celebratory traditions of a country, and when it’s all about booze, there’s enough lubrication for you to slide right in.

OTP’s Guide to Partying Your Ass Off in Zagreb

Kyle — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 13:33:34 +0000

Photo by: Pliketi Plok

Perhaps the centuries of invasion and Roman, Venetian, Italian, and Austro-Hungarian rule drove the Croatians to drink early on. Regardless, the Croats have maintained a raging party spirit. A mix of coastal islands and land-locked city centers, Croatia is a bipolar, geographic wonderland. Get into it like a Croat on a muthafuckin’ boat with OTP’s Guide to Partying Your Ass off in Zagreb.

Photo by: Clive1945

PRE-GAME

If you’re gearing up for a blurry-eyed night on the town, down some carbs to help soak up the sauce first. Just off the main square, Nokturno (Skalinska 4) lures the Young and the Moneyless with wafting smells of cheap Italian food like lasagna, pizza and pasta. During the summer months, prepare to wait for a seat on the outdoor terrace with hoards of people gathered for a stomach-lining, but not budget-breaking, meal. If you prefer sweating booze, then head straight for Tkalciceva Street in Old Town, where you’ll find the highest concentration of bars and cafés. Before the night gets messy, grab a mellow drink in Ban Jelacic Square, or a rowdy one at Bar Plan B on Tkalciceva. During the winter, Bar Plan B becomes your Plan A –they have a heated patio.

Photo by: juicowski

Zagreb’s mix of bars, beer halls, disco discos, pubs, and clubs are strewn about the city like panties on a sorority bathroom floor. Most are concentrated in either Upper Town near Tkalciceva, or Lower Town at Bogoviceva and Trg Preradovica. Whether wetting your whistle in one spot, or blazing a liquid trail about town, beers will generally set you back about 12-16 kunas ($2.50-$3.50). In Lower Town, try Bulldog Café; the hugely popular bar sits on a pedestrian street (Bogoviceva)–perfect for beer-goggled people watching. If you’re dying to bust out some of your sick moves, head over to Saloon, Zagreb’s oldest discoteque. For a taste of fake fancy, Posh Fantasy Bar will take your breath, not your money, away. It’s close quarters inside–so cop a feel and blame it on overcrowding. Does your fantasy involve lords, rings, and people from middle-earth? If so, hobble over to Tolkien’s House, which is decorated like scenes from the author’s famous trilogy. The chance of witnessing a nerd-on-nerd bar brawl is high. However, getting any ass in this place might be a distant fantasy. Choose your party spots wisely.

Photo by: johan Chomet

Drunkfood

Squeeze some grease in the window of munching opportunity between party and post-party. Pingvin (penguin in English) is a sandwich bar at Teslina 7 in Lower Town serving all kinds of sandwiches, burgers and salads. It’s open all night and day, so pull up a chair at one of the tables, or eat on the way to the next spot–a sandwich will set you back about 22 kunas ($4.25). Most of the time, unless you’re a cracked-out hobo looking for his own kind, lurking around train stations in the middle of the night is a bad idea, but the bakery goods at 24 hour Pekarnica Dora (Strossmayerov trg 7) are worth the risk.

The After Party

It’s 2 am, but your party is far from over. Many bars and clubs stay open all night, including those further out by Jarun Lake where the scene gets rowdy. Clear your sightseeing calendar the day following a night of drinking at Žabac–drinks are cheap and the crowd is ready to go all night. Walk a few steps from Žabac to Aquarius, a club with rooms that open onto the lake and a playlist that ranges from reggae to hardcore.

Photo by: knicci

If you’re not ready to take off your dancing shoes just yet (or if you’re too drunk to know how) stumble over to the City Centre Hostel on Tkalciceva. There’s no curfew, free internet and an outdoor terrace from where you can watch the sun come up. Rooms go for about $20 per person and it’s conveniently located above a bar.

The Hangover

After a night of partying like a Croatian on vacation, your head will feel like you’re working in a coal mine with an amplifier. It’s time to find burek, a pastry pie made with phyllo dough and fatty fillings. Croats believe the dough soaks up booze and the oils from the meats and cheeses inside will help line your stomach to ease the absorption of alcohol.

A night out in Zagreb may need to be countered with a few days of recovery sleep. Rehydrate and clean the sand out of your vagina, because there’s more Croatia to explore! If getting on a train is not an option in your current state, hit the hairy dog repeat and see if the outcome is any different the second time around.

OTP’s Guide to Street Food: Penang

Lorenzorob — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 11:57:14 +0000

Photo by: jjay69

Penang blends a beachy, coastal vibe, some international urban flair and a unique South Asian perspective to make one delicious bowl of Malaysian curry mee. Whether you’re visiting for a month, or passing through to renew your visa from Thailand for the day, Penang is the street food capital of the country and worth stopping by just to chow down.

Photo by: jayhan

These fried noodles are worth your firstborn and a soda–or 4 Ringgit (about $1.35 USD) in common currency. They also happen to be the city’s signature drunk food. Loaded with beastly prawns, cockles (mussel-esque shellfish) and a smoky taste that schools Pad See Yew (a Thai noodle dish), these ribbon noodles will cure whatever buzz you’re rollin’ on, in the three minutes it takes to make them. Unless you’re washing them down with a Carlsberg, of course, which we highly recommend.

BANANA LEAF MEALS

The only way to experience this culinary mouth-sterbation fully is by taking it down on a banana leaf. Be sure to wash your hands before and after; banana leaf foodin’ is straight outta Karnataka and will make your right hand the middle-man between you and your biodegradable plate. South Indian swagger is the modus in Penang’s Little India, where you can get street-side Masala Dosa, vadai and other Dravidian eats while grooving to the latest Indian music videos. If you’re looking to get as local as possible, order Roti Cenai, a thick, buttery flatbread served with chutneys, or unmistakably Penang-inspired fish cakes.

OTP TIP: If you liked the meal, fold your banana leaf towards you. If you didn’t, fold it towards the fat guy across the room and go have a bitch fit around the corner.

Photo by: wongyunguang

Chendol is the national dessert of Malaysia. Don’t let the bright- green, wormy-looking things on the top of that mound of shaved ice scare you, they’re just gelatinous noodles made out of green pea flour (safe for vegetarians). The shaved ice is doused in coconut milk and palm sugar and some places will add sweet red beans. Since it’s hot as balls there, this dessert will definitely cool you off. For a crunchier, trendier take on the dish, try Ais Kacang, full of colorful syrups and featuring giant kacang (peanuts).

Photo by: momofuku ando

This magical hangover-curing noodle dish will have you feeling awe-ssam in no time. That’s not to say that hangovers are the only reason for eating this epic noodle-soup. Heaping chunks of mackerel and spicy/sour tamarind-lemongrass broth, loaded with ginger and shrimp paste make this soup a flavorful meal, suitable for those that don’t wreak of Saturday night. A good Laksa will turn the heat up. Have a tissue ready for the nasal drip.

OH CHIEN

Forget the myth that oysters are swanky Rockefeller-grub, Penang’s got ‘em on the menu for three meals a day and all you need is a couple Ringgit. Tapioca flour is the secret ingredient that lends the classic gooeyness to this omelet, which packs at least twenty little libido-bomb oysters per, giving you more than enough reason to finish that last bite. Visit Slippery Senoritas to get your Oh Chien! face on.

Photo by: huppypie

This noodle bowl is a tasty shout-out to the Chinese influence running through the Malaysian street food scene. Wan Tan Mee puts thick slices of BBQ-pork, prawns, veggies and killer won tons in your face on a big bed of steaming noodles and broth. In Asian cuisine, noodles act as a delivery system for the good stuff’ and one bowl of Wan Tan Mee should put you in a beach-nap-curable food coma.

Photo by: Camemberu

Rolls make the Asian world go round. Whether they’re vermicelli rolls in Vietnam, Philippine lumpia, or egg rolls in China, each country has their own interpretation and Penang is no exception. Penang proudly presents popiah (basically, big ass spring rolls.) Made with crepe-like dough that absorbs sauces as it’s fried, these burrito-sized monsters are crammed with lettuce, veggie stew, eggs and tofu.

TEH TARIK

Although it’s hard to determine whether this drink is Indian or Malay in origin (depends on who you ask and where they’re from), the best Teh Tarik can be found in Little India. A drink with a show, watching Teh Tarik being made will hypnotize you like a light show at a rave– steaming hot black tea is mixed with condensed milk and then poured from glass to glass by the vendor in crazy arcs. If all that tea trickery doesn’t get you smiling, then the insane flavors of cardamom and ginger might–or, a Zoloft crushed into the frothy brew.

Three meals a day just don’t cut it in Penang. Boost your metabolism by scarfing down at least six to get all the goodness of Malaysian street food under your quickly tightening belt.

Weird, Crazy and Unusual Funeral Ceremonies from Around the World

TeaSing — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 15:41:21 +0000

Photo by: copytaste

The world is full of truly wacky ways to send people into the afterlife. The Egyptians were known to pull a dead man’s brain out through his nose, the Aztecs cremated “bad people” alongside stray dogs and the ancient Chinese hung coffins off cliffs. OTP went six feet under to dig up the weirdest, craziest and most unusual funeral practices around the world.

Photo by: kana zoroaste

Modern Zoroastrians take the prize for the blood-chunkiest death-disposal method. Because corpses are considered potential pollutants (logical), dead bodies are placed atop towers as vulture-bait. The belief is that the vultures will strip the body of its flesh before the corpse demon can rush in. The roof of the tower is divided into three concentric circles—the outer ring is for men, the second is for women and dead children are placed in the innermost circle. The bones are bleached by the sun and wind for a year, and then dumped into an ossuary pit in the center of the tower. The morbid bone pile eventually disintegrates and washes out to sea. Iran shut the practice down, but the Parsis in India are still all about it because they think exposure in death is the person’s final act of charity. Vultures can clean a corpse faster than you can rip through a midnight munchies bag of Doritos, but lately diclofenac poisoning has caused a decline in the vulture population. This poses serious problems ‘cause the people feast is just too big for the surviving birds.

Photo by bass_nroll

Digging up corpses is usually a big no-no in Western culture. Not so for the Malagasy people in Madagascar. Every seven years, they exhume and dance with gramps around his tomb. Known as Famadihana (“Turning of the Bones”), they first dig up entire family crypts, wrap the remains in fresh cloth then grab a rotting partner and do-se-do to brass band tunes around the grave. Royal corpses are sprayed with perfume or splashed with sparkling wine before being trotted around. Expensive silk shrouds that covered the dead are given to childless newlyweds in the hopes it’ll rev up their fertility (because nothing sets the baby-making mood like some dead guy’s fancy bathrobe).

Photo by: moringpaper

It is a known fact that watching a slutty chick get naked cures the sadness associated with losing a loved one. This is the approach in China, where it’s all about strippers come funeral time. That’s right, the practice of getting pole-dancin’, lingerie-dropping ladies-of-the-night to perform after funerals is so popular that despite the government crackdown, it still happens now and then. The Chinese believe that the more mourners there are, the higher the honor and well, strippers are an easy way to draw a crowd. Post-moretem stiffies all around.

Photo by: crazy-litang

This seemingly brutal method is also known as ritual dissection. Forget the Donners, in a Tibetan Sky Burial, the “body breaker” places the bits and pieces of the body he is hired to chop up on a mountaintop for the elements and animals to consume. You’d think the body breaker would be a bit jaded from the daily grind, but part of his job description is to chitchat and laugh while hacking apart the corpse. According to Buddhist philosophy, the body is merely a vessel. When people die, there’s no love lost on an empty shell, hence no need for preservation. As psycho-nightmarish as it may seem, this funeral practice is basically an efficient way of disposing of remains in an unforgiving countryside which lacks timber to burn the body and has ground that’s too rocky for burials.

Photo by: Walt Jabsco

For the Ga tribe in Ghana, the death of a loved one is a time to mourn as well as celebrate. The underground home of the deceased is made into a sup’d up nest. Highly skilled carpenters build coffins that symbolize aspects of the dead person’s life—their occupation, a character trait or their standing in the society. These coffins get really creative, and are sometimes built in the form of fruit, fish, coke bottles, beer cans, cameras, bananas, cigarettes or even cell phones. So if a Ga carpenter gets buried in a hammer… what does a hooker meet her maker in?

photo by: sexecutioner

Balinese people pull out all the stops to give their dead a spectacular send-off. Corpses in Bali get treated to a relaxing bath and are laid in a grave next to a food-filled shrine. The pampered body is eventually thrown into a mass grave until someone in charge decides there are enough corpses to hold a cremation. The bodies are then dug up, cleaned and piled on a float decorated with flowers. They’re paraded around the village before being burned at the town’s main square. Hindus believe fire is the vehicle to the next life and the cremation marks the beginning of an enormous feast to commemorate the dead.

Death is universal and people around the world have various interpretations of how to properly deal with what remains based on belief and often, circumstance. Sure hacking bodies up into pieces or throwing them to the vultures sounds insane, but so does putting ashes on your mantle. It’s life that matters anyway; bring on the strippers.

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